Chameleon fk-13 Read online

  Grace tried to read some sort of message into these variables. When he stayed outside the building, did that mean that he was tired of her company? That this would be their final evening together?

  When he entered the building, did he want to come into her apartment? He always declined her invitation. Was entering her building a metaphor for entering her body? She had to admit that, remote as it seemed, she enjoyed the fantasy.

  Things were far less involved, at least on a conscious level, in Jeffrey’s mind. He was aware of no special reason for either procedure. It was merely that he was invariably concerned for her safety. He would never leave until she was at least within the protective walls of her building. Sometimes, for no perceptible reason, he felt particularly ill at ease about the neighborhood-an unfamiliar car, the front door left slightly ajar, something, anything. At such times, he would walk her to her door. She would invite him in. He would politely decline the invitation. Sometimes he felt quite strongly that he should accept. But he felt even more strongly that he didn’t want to complicate things.

  Tonight when they arrived at her apartment building, he parked the car and wordlessly accompanied her up the walk and the stairs to her apartment. For the first time, he took the key from her hand, unlocked the door, and pushed it open.

  Later, she couldn’t say why she did it. Maybe because this evening at dinner he’d seemed to share his feelings with her more openly than ever before. Perhaps it was his unique gesture of taking her key and opening the door.

  Whatever the case, as he opened the door, she slipped her left hand to the back of his neck and kissed him gently on the lips.

  Startled, he pulled back. She immediately sensed that she had misinterpreted the signs. She dropped her hand and moved back, only to be clasped firmly in his arms and pulled forward and upward. The kiss that followed was passionate.

  Still locked in their embrace, they began moving through her door, when, without warning, a resident of an adjoining apartment opened his door and stepped out to retrieve his afternoon paper.

  For an instant, all three were immobile in mutual embarrassment.

  The man swept his paper from the floor and stepped back inside his apartment so hurriedly he almost stumbled. For Jeffrey, the moment was past, the magic gone. But not for Grace; Jeffrey had to peel her arms from his back.

  “Come in, Quent, come in,” Grace pleaded. “It doesn’t matter. He went back inside. He can’t see us now. It’s all right.”

  “No! Excuse me, Grace. I don’t know what-I’m sorry. My fault entirely. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  He stepped away quickly and hurried down the stairs and out of sight.

  Grace stood where he’d left her. She waited until she heard the outside door open and close.

  He was gone. But not the memory

  She entered her apartment, closed the door, leaned back against it, and closed her eyes.

  Her imagination began to film a movie. Her neighbor was expunged. She and Quent, still locked together, moved into her room. They kissed, more and more deeply. They moved, as if in adagio, into the bedroom, where their passion overflowed.

  Afterward, he held her as, completely relaxed, they basked in each other’s silent company.

  Grace held the image all evening in happy contentment.

  Quentin Jeffrey did not share her reverie fantasy. Immediately after starting his car, he turned off the heater. It was cold, but he was very warm. God, he thought, I’ve forgotten what it was like. He didn’t linger for any possible reappearance by Grace Mars. He quickly pulled away from the curb.

  And then, as was his wont, he assessed the situation.

  He had let his testosterone run rampant, even if only for a few moments. He thought he had convinced himself after his wife died that there simply was no outlet for passion in his life anymore. And now an unguarded moment had put the lie to that conviction.

  The good news was he’d been able to extinguish the fire before it became a conflagration. At the very least, an affair with Grace Mars surely would contaminate the atmosphere at work. He’d seen that happen so often when he’d been in business. Sex between workers, especially between employer and employee, even if not actually in the work arena, usually led to disastrous consequences.

  He hoped that his letting down the protective layers, even so briefly, would not jeopardize the genuine friendship, as well as the business relationship, that had grown between them. He didn’t think it had.

  He had been driving with his mind in neutral. He shook his head and opened himself to the present.

  There was something scheduled this evening. What was it? A gathering of some sort. Of course! How could he have forgotten poker with the gang? No wonder; after what had just happened-and after what had almost happened-he might well have forgotten his name.

  But the game was set to start at 10:00. Later than usual. Perfectly acceptable; he could easily lose himself in a card game. And tonight he needed to get lost.

  Here he was now, parked in front of his own home without a clear notion of how he got here. Force of habit, perhaps. There was still almost an hour before the game. Time to go inside and relax a bit.

  He left his outerwear in the foyer closet. The thermostat had been programmed to have the house warm for his projected arrival. He poured a generous glass of Glenlivet neat, and slumped into his recliner chair.

  He slid a mouthful of Scotch around in his mouth. Cleaning his teeth, he explained to himself. Also permeating his taste buds with that singular, satisfying piquancy.

  He contemplated the glass, Martini for dinner and now Scotch. He didn’t used to mix his beverages like this. He didn’t used to drink this much.

  Was his drinking becoming a problem? He didn’t think it necessary to admit that. He used to drink with Maryanne, his late wife, but almost always in moderation. A little wine before and with dinner occasionally. A nightcap. Nothing like it was now.

  His attention turned to the end table across the room. On it rested a photo of the two of them. It was a posed portrait taken many years ago at a happy time of life. They had health, security, fulfillment, and, most of all, each other.

  Now she was gone. And he was left with … what? A bottle?

  He felt an urge to go over and turn the picture face down. He couldn’t bring himself to do that; he loved Maryanne too much. Though she was gone she was still a part of him.

  And it was this dichotomy, her presence and simultaneous absence, that was tearing him apart.

  If only she were alive. Sitting in this room. Now. They would be listening to music, and reading-he the newspaper, she a book. From time to time one would read aloud to the other and they would discuss what they were reading. One of them would say something silly. They would both laugh.

  It was so quiet in this house. Not a sound. With the storm windows in, even the noise of the rare passing car was so muffled as to be almost unheard. So quiet. No one to talk to. Not even a companion.

  He rose from his chair and walked slowly to the liquor cabinet. He refilled his glass. Not even any ice. He studied the glass again. It was going to be one of those nights when he drank himself to sleep.

  No poker tonight; by the time he finished his second glass of Scotch he would be in no condition to play the game up to his usual standard of concentration. Odd; he considered himself capable of driving, but not of playing a game-albeit a game he considered an extension and measure of life.

  He dialed the familiar number at St. Aloysius church and left his regrets for the evening on Clete Bash’s answering machine. It was his best shot. Bash would be sure to check his messages before the game. Never can tell when the media might want some information or, better yet, a statement.

  He sank again into his recliner.

  He was lonely. Terribly, terribly lonely. And it wasn’t just conversation he needed. If there were any doubt, the earlier events of this evening were a pretty clear signal.

  Grace Mars was a desirable woman. She loved him. H
e knew that, even if before this evening he had not consciously acknowledged it. If it were not for canon law, if he were free, she would marry him. He could live very well with Gracie.

  His mind was fogging.

  Just a few months ago, his doctor had explored his drinking during a regular checkup. They had agreed he was not an alcoholic. Not yet. But his drinking had intensified, and the doctor had warned that this periodic compulsion to drink to the point of unconsciousness could lead to lost time spans-blackouts.

  When he was in the mood to be brutally honest with himself, he had to admit that just maybe this had already happened once or twice.

  If he were not careful, it could happen tonight.

  With deliberate resoluteness he poured the remaining Scotch down the drain and, a bit blearily, turned on the television. It was a game show that, on top of what he had drunk, soon lulled him to sleep.

  Before slipping off, he resolved that things would be better tomorrow. Things always looked more hopeful in the light of day.

  9

  Christmastime traditionally brings a bumper crop of suicides. People plagued by depression find that depression intensified when they are isolated amid the surroundings of the joyful majority who give and receive gifts, wax sentimental over the seasonal music, party and make merry with relatives and friends.

  Fred Stapleton was not one of the depressed minority. Now in his early sixties, he was satisfied with his work as a psychologist in private practice. He was happily married to a former nun. Irma, their only child, a gifted pianist, who was a high school junior at the internationally famed Interlochen Music Academy, was home for the holidays. Fred enjoyed adequate to good health.

  Yet Christmas was a difficult time for him. Fred Stapleton had been a Catholic priest, and as much as he missed his prime calling, he missed it most in this season. And this even though he’d been an inactive priest now for almost as long-seventeen years-as he had been a functioning priest-twenty years.

  Tonight, his wife, Pam, an excellent cook, had served roast beef, one of his favorite dishes. He had only picked at it. She knew why. But there was nothing she could do about it.

  Now, seemingly satisfied, he sat in his favorite rocker, puffing on his pipe. Pam was chatting with Irma about the future and her plans for after graduation next year. They were aware that Fred had long since been lost in his own thoughts.

  Irma broke off her conversation with her mother and turned to her father. “Daddy … Daddy!” She had to repeat it several times before she got his attention.

  “Uh … yeah … what is it, honey?”

  “You’re on your own private planet again.”

  “Oh. Sorry.”

  “Won’t you join Mother and me in the land of the living?”

  “Sorry again. Are you going to play for us? Play for your supper?”

  “Later, Daddy.”

  Fred shook his head. “Can’t be later, sweets; I’ve got a meeting to go to.”

  “Tonight? A patient?”

  Pam answered. “No, CORPUS.”

  “Dad! You don’t have to go tonight. They have so many meetings. What’s the harm in missing one?”

  CORPUS was an acronym for Corps of Reserve Priests United for Service, an international organization of former priests who, though married, want a return to their ministry.

  “These meetings are important, Irma. And they’re getting to be more important by the year. By the month. By the day!”

  “Dear,” Pam said, “this group is very, very important to your father. You’ve got to understand that.”

  “Daddy, it’s been … what?… seventeen years since you were a priest. You’re a successful doctor. I know you’re good at what you do. You help people. Isn’t that enough? You don’t need to be a priest anymore.”

  “You don’t know. You weren’t a priest for twenty years. You don’t know what it’s like.”

  “You make me think you regret leaving. That you regret marrying Mother. That you’re sorry I came along.”

  “Don’t be silly, honey. You know that’s not true.”

  “If you hadn’t left you wouldn’t have had me. I wouldn’t have happened.”

  Fred smiled briefly. “You’d be in pure potency.”

  “Well,” Irma said, “once and for all: Are you sorry you stopped being a priest?”

  “No, I’m not sorry, honey. But you’re not getting the point. Just about every priest who leaves really wants to stay. Most of us left to get married. As if the two were incompatible … as if marriage and priesthood were mutually exclusive.”

  “You sent me to a Catholic grade school,” Irma interjected, “and I didn’t see any married priests.”

  “Ah,” Fred responded, “but that’s because you happen to live in this country and because you’re a Latin Rite Catholic. If you’d been living anywhere that the ancient Oriental Rite has been functioning you’d have found married Catholic priests. You can even find Catholic priests with wives and families here in this country.”

  “Where?”

  “In parishes where married Protestant ministers have converted to Catholicism and have been ordained to the Catholic priesthood.

  “The point I’m trying to make, honey, is that in the first place there’s no reason-Biblically, historically, or just about any other adverb-for us not to be married and still function as priests. And on top of that, they need us. They need us desperately.”

  “If they need you so much, how come they don’t know it?”

  “Irma,” her mother admonished, “don’t be flip. Your father is very serious about this!”

  “Just playing devil’s advocate,” Irma said. “Daddy always says I’m good at that.”

  “You are good at it,” Fred said. “Sometimes I wish you weren’t quite so good. ‘How come they don’t know about it?’ They know about it all right; they just won’t admit it.”

  “But, Daddy, if they won’t admit it, they won’t admit it. What’s the use of your struggling, going to meetings, trying to convince them, if they’re just so stubborn they won’t admit they need you?”

  Fred Stapleton hesitated, lips compressed in a thin line of anger and resolve. “There are times,” he said, finally, “when you have to do something you would have sworn you’d never do-if only to get their attention.” As he spoke, there was an aura of foreboding about him that was completely out of character for this ordinarily gentle and compassionate man. Neither Pam nor Irma could bring herself to break the spell.

  Finally, Fred tapped out his pipe in an ashtray, rose, and announced, “It’s time. I’m going to the meeting.” He softened as he studied his daughter. “You will give us a concert before you go back to school, won’t you?”

  “Sure, Daddy.”

  In a few minutes mother and daughter were alone, gazing at each other wordlessly.

  “I’m worried about him, Mother,” Irma said finally.

  “So am I. He just hasn’t been himself lately.”

  Irma hesitated. Then, “I’ve never asked you, even though I’ve wondered from time to time. But I have wondered.…”

  “What? You know we can talk about anything you want to. What is it?”

  “Well … what was it like when you got married? I mean … did you feel guilty about marrying a priest? Did Daddy?”

  Pam smiled warmly. “I certainly didn’t. I don’t think your father did either. I’m sure he didn’t. I’d left the convent long before we married. We fell in love slowly … oh, so very slowly.” She obviously cherished the memory of their earliest days of a growing love.

  “Our greatest hurdle,” Pam explained, “was his priesthood, of course. He’d been a priest twenty years. It was all he’d ever wanted to be from the time he was a small child. He loved his work. And he loved what his vocation had become just a little less-as it turned out-than he loved me. It wasn’t a matter of feeling guilty. It was a matter of feeling loss.”

  “Seems like a case of seasickness and lockjaw simultaneously, to use the
metaphor Daddy uses so often.”

  Pam winced. “I guess so.” True enough, Fred did use the phrase with some frequency. But she’d always found it in poor taste.

  “So,” Irma persisted, “how did he settle the dilemma? Or did you do it for him?”

  “Oh, no. My only contribution was to urge him to stay functioning as a priest.”

  “You did?” This came as a genuine surprise to Irma.

  “Oh, absolutely. I could see down the line in the years ahead where that could be an insurmountable problem. I never wanted him to feel that I had put any pressure on him to leave the priesthood. I knew the way he felt about his vocation he would surely miss being a priest. And he has. So it had to be his decision. His alone.

  “With me on the side of his remaining a priest, there wasn’t anyone even suggesting that he leave and marry me. No one but himself.”

  “So it was his choice?” Irma asked.

  Pam shook her head. “You don’t understand, dear. It’s what your Father was trying to tell you before, What he regrets is the Church’s inability or refusal to understand that there’s no contradiction in being a priest and, at the same time, being married.”

  “I think I understand, Mom. He’s very comfortable about having married you …”

  “And having you for a daughter,” Pam interjected.

  Irma smiled. “Yeah. That’s neat. So he’s okay about all that. The problem is with the Church. He should be able to be a priest now-saying Mass and everything.”

  “Think you’ve got it?”

  “I think so. But I’ve got to think about it some more.”

  “Good.” Pam began massaging her forehead.

  “Headache? Let me do that for you.”

  Pam smiled. “Know what you can do for me, dear? Maybe you could play something nice and soothing.”

  Irma gave it a moment’s thought. “Sure.” She moved to the spinet and the beautiful strains of Franz Liszt’s “Liebestraunr” filled the room.

  Pam relaxed, rested her head against the chair, closed her eyes, and let the memories flood over her.

  Her daughter’s query had brought to mind those fateful days after she and Father Fred Stapleton had first met.